Saturday, September 20, 2008

think, think, think

I try hard to feel completely empowered by everything that happens to me.  Even if something bad and completely obscure happens I try to think of what I possibly could have done to have prevented it.  And probably more importantly what I could learn from the situation.   That way no matter how crappy my day I don't view myself as a victim and I usually feel actually happy that I had in someway made some personal progress. 
Today was not that day.  I hope you will forgive my vagueness, but here's the gist of it:  First of all I was shopping at Target when I realized I had a message on my phone.  After listening to it I was so upset (yet trying to remain calm) and distracted (from trying to remain calm) that I almost became a shoplifter.  I walked right past the registers with stuff in my basket and luckily glanced down before walking out the doors just in time to turn around before I was tackled by security (at least that's how I like to imagine it).  Turns out I had been grossly misrepresented to someone who doesn't know me all that well (grrr).  I felt a lot better after calling this person back, but still.  And then not 10 minutes after that I found myself face to face in an unexpected encounter that did indeed leave me feeling completely powerless.  If I were to tell that tale you may think, "so what?".  But it's just one of those things that triggers some sort of childhood fear.  And don't ask because I don't want to talk about it (even I have my limits).  Ah, yes.  Fear rears it's ugly head. I can deny it no longer.  I was in tears.  I was really mad.  I did not want to go home like that so I went for a drive towards the mountains.  I decided that I would feel much better if I could just write something.  So I stopped at a little grocery store looking desperately for a pretty notebook.  Why is this so hard?  Why do "they" even make ugly things. I just don't understand.  I guess it's all relative. Anyway. I went with a basic black notebook and a mechanical pencil.  I found this nice sitting spot and wrote until I felt better.  Luckily it was in time to be in good enough spirits to head home and make a yummy dinner.  It was a gorgeous fall day outside.     
Even now, I'm trying to muster up the urge to feel better and try to comprehend what I know I have learned.  Still.  It makes me want to do something rash.  Do you ever think rash things can be done wisely?  Really all I'm wanting to do is move up the inevitable by a couple of months.  I think some of my best decisions have been very spontaneous.  And probably some of my worst. Hmmm. Lots to think and pray about.
I'm thankful for prayer.  And opportunities however they may come.

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